final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
