i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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