that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
