Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
