Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
