Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
