i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Couch. On fire.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
