No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
