Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
