you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
