my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
