I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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