I wish I could punch you in the face.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
