If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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