this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
