you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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