i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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