Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
