My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
