GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
