Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize