so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
