"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
