I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Randomize
