if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
