I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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