Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
