fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Watching her eat just hurts me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
