how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize