you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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