Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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