A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize