new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
