I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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