You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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