I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
