It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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