I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
