where am i from again
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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