His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
