I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
