non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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