I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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