When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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