Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
