That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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