i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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