I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
