If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
