Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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