I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
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