hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
