It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
