Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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