highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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