I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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