Already got asked if we're dating
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How external is "for external use only"?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
