How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
