i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
