I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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